It’s 3am. I haven’t slept. My hands are shaking. My t shirt is soaked. What the hell is wrong with me?
Wait. Let me go back to the start…
I was looking forward to Surgeon Simulator. The idea of doing short operations brought me back to my childhood playing that game, you know the one. Buckaroo, I think it was called. Oh alright, it was called Operation. I need my sense of humour more now than ever ok, so just bear with me. In Surgeon Simulator, you have to carry out various different operations in various different scenarios; a calm operating room, a chaotic ambulance ride or in Space. Yes, Space. Before you operate, you realise you are playing as Dr Nigel Burke. You are given no tutorial, it’s just straight into the OR. From the second you move an arm, that’s when it hits you. This Doctor is about as useful as a chocolate teapot. It’s hilariously hard to do anything. If you’ve played Octodad, you’ll know what I mean. The thing is, I expect Octodad to be clumsy – he’s a bloody Octopus! This goof has been through medical school and he can’t even pick up a scalpel without bloody injecting himself with something or electrocuting himself! Alright, deep breath. There’s a steep learning curve here, I get it. And not to mention the deliberate frustration is pretty hilarious at times. Like why does the doctor have a bottle of Orange Soda so close to a patient whose insides are all over the place? Is that even allowed?! Seriously, Hannibal Lector would take more care with the human body than this.
The visuals are great, and the gore makes Saw look like the Teletubbies. But somehow, Surgeon Simulator manages to keep its comical tone – mainly due to the fact that your Surgeon’s hands are about as helpful as an underwater hairdryer. Even when you’re back in the office setting, merely answering the phone is an impossible task. Instead you’ll knock it over and wonder how this dude got anywhere near passing his medical exams.
So, why was I up at 3am, sweating, shaking and unable to sleep? BECAUSE I CAN’T MAKE IT PAST THE FIRST LEVEL. That’s right, in 20 years of gaming. I’ve finally met my nemesis. No matter what I do, I can’t get past the first level. Hell, it’s not even a level! There’s a trophy for completing it in minutes! I tried everything, endless tries, watching YouTube tutorials, I gave the controller to my wife for her to try. Asked my friends to try. At one point, I gave the DS4 to my cat and I swear he got further than I did. No matter what I did, I’d turn the patient into human ravioli, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. I have the tools, but I don’t have the skills.
You know the craziest part of all of this? I bloody like the game. It’s genuinely funny. It’s insanely addictive. I’m going to keep trying. How seriously you can take this review however, well who knows, but just remember, the game doesn’t suck. I suck. That doesn’t mean you will. I have to score the game on what it’s trying to be, not how good at it I am. So don your white coat, and be where no Punk and Lizard member has been before. Venture past…the first level.
Funny, addictive and brutally hard. Just don’t come crying to me when you’re struggling on the first level. I can’t save you.
Punk rating: 7.5/10